NOTE: Those preparing for an optimistic piece of journalism will have to wait for a while.
I write this in a mentally vulnerable state, please forgive me, as I trust you with what I find the most powerful tool ever: my words.
I am tired. Exhausted. Fatigued. Raw. It's not a good feeling. It's a grey area.
A dark grey.
Over the last 4 nights I've totalled around 11 hours of sleep. Most of the time it's to do with absolute nothingness. It's my fault. Easily.
As the days grew on, the numbers slowly adding to the sleep count, my thoughts and perspectives become more dark. It's a scary place - not sure how to describe it other than shutting your eyes, and listening to 'We Never Change' by Coldplay. That's what I'm doing.
I know this won't take long. Change is on the way. Greater things are on the horizon. There is land ahead, but until then I shall continue to sail in dangerous water. Until then, I'll be driving through the tunnel waiting for the light.
Throughout the last two weeks I've been more stressed than ever before. I have never really managed stress properly, and I'm learning about that as a result. Silver lining of an otherwise dull grey cloud.
This is some pretty disturbing reading I must admit, I never thought in my lifetime that I would experience this, let alone share it with hundreds of millions of people. But there's a reason.
Like the song I wrote, J'attends (I'm Waiting), I'm waiting for that moment for a turn for the better. I'm sitting and watching as the sky goes from a light blue to a dull grey.
All of this has taught me an important lesson, however.
To me, it's the little things that count.
Today I came home from work, I work at a suit outlet shop in central Auckland, battered, bruised, mentally 0. And then I stood on an envelope as I opened my room. A personalised letter, a concerned friend wanting to make sure I was ok.
I almost broke down in tears. In fact, I still almost break down now just thinking of it.
That, more than anything, gives me hope.
I love it when people care. When people genuinely want to know how I am feeling, and if I trust them with my situation, don't change their perceptions. I love it when people include me. I love it when people give me attention. I love that I can openly say this. I love that you're still reading!
So, to my friends, thank you. Thank you for being there. Know that you are all very much appreciated as I go through what can only be described as a series of crap events. Some might put it down to the lack of sleep, and if you do, well, we're clearly not good enough friends yet.
:)
"I wanna fly,
And never come down,
And live my life,
And have friends around."
(We Never Change - Coldplay)
Matiu this is beautiful and sad. I'm only sorry I wasn't paying better attention, wrapped up in my own little world I guess. I hope so much that you will feel better soon. This too, shall pass. Who said that? Someone with more wisdom than me. I look forward to the day we will talk about just how happy our lives make us. It will come sooner than you think just now. Arohanui, Elle x
ReplyDeleteIt's ok Eleanor. I don't expect people to realise how different I've been, sometimes even I don't know!
ReplyDeleteBut thanks for your concern :) It is genuinely appreciated.
Hey Matiu,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, you're awesome! Lots of people down here in Wellington agree with me :) So keep that in mind.
I suffer from depression & anxiety, so I definitely can relate to where you're coming from!
11 hours of sleep in 4 days is not good. That will just make you feel more stressed about life! Go and talk to your doctor about getting some sleeping pills - it will definitely help you cope a lot better in the short term.
Smart, talented people like yourself often expect a lot of themselves. I think that's why they tend to get stressed out. I'd highly recommend getting CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) I personally found it really helpful.
Kia kaha!
Georgina Dickson :o)
Much, big hugs from us. My dear friend, Georgina has a definite point - not sleeping makes it much harder for you to find your own inner equilibrium. Your brain focuses and processes when you're asleep, and if you're not sleeping well, then you're essentially working a shift pattern and it will and does have emotional and physical effects.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was having trouble with getting to sleep and staying asleep, I found that using lavender essential oil actually worked, helping me get to and stay asleep. Aromatherapy does sound a bit wacky but it does work!
Also, the other thing that I find helps me when I feel horrid inside is lighting a candle, turning off all the other lights, and just sitting watching it, letting my mind still, and asking God to hold me in the light. After a while, peace comes.
Holding you in prayer, Much!
Robyn
:) thanks heaps guys.
ReplyDeleteWill defs give that a go Robyn ;)